A Particular Class of Women

I probably should have written about this when it was still super fresh on my mind, but I didn't and I still want to take the time to reflect on the Fraser Valley Zone Theatre Festival, which took place at the end of May.

I'll start off the the process.

First of all, when I saw the audition ad, I wasn't able to attend the initial audition date because I had a rehearsal for "The Mystery of Edwin Drood", but I was free on the night of the callbacks. So I pulled my cocky card and emailed the director asking if I could be put straight through to the callbacks. I figured, hey, it's community theatre in Maple Ridge. They'll probably be stoked that someone with professional training and experience is even interested in working with them. Yes, I'm a prick. I should note that I had never been to the theatre in Maple Ridge, at this point, and had never seen anyone in the area perform, so my opinion of the arts scene there was completely uneducated.

John emailed me back saying, yes, he would pencil me in for the callback day, but if he ended up needing that slot for someone else who had come on the original day and needed to come again, I may lose my slot. It was a fair compromise. Then he asked, out of curiosity, what show I was rehearsing for. I told him. He looked it up and saw that we would be performing a matinee on the day of the first read through and he was not thrilled at the idea. He emailed me back and said he had changed his mind about me auditioning. I could still come if I really wanted to - just for the experience - but there was basically no way that he would cast me in the show unless (and I quote) ... Actually I'll just show you the whole email.

From: ******************
To: emnadeauhowatt@live.com
Subject: RE: Auditions
Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2012 18:07:05 -0800

Hi Emily,

I looked at the performance schedule for The Mystery of Edwin Drood, and I see you are also performing Thursday nights and Sundays until March 3. Our rehearsal times are Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Sunday afternoons. The Thursday evenings I could work around, but the two Sundays are a problem because most all the actresses are there. Particularly February 19 because we have interviews with strippers set up on those days, one who worked with the playwright in Toronto.

So unless you just knocked my socks off at your audition, and you didn’t compare to anybody else, and I absolutely couldn’t live without you in my show, I would have problems with you missing the Sundays. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is. Maybe to reduce that kind of stress on both of us, you should take a pass on this show.

Do you agree?

John

My reply:

Hi John,

It's ultimately up to you. I understand if you don't want to work around my other show. I can't guarantee that I'd knock your socks off, but I can promise that I'm always an asset to any show I'm cast in. Just let me know what you decide. 

Thanks,
Emily

He decided to let me go ahead with the audition. 

Now I was taught that we should always "silhouette" the part we are going for. I knew the show was an all-women show about strippers and that it was based on a court case that happened in the 80s, but that is all I knew. I didn't look up the script. Why would I waste my time? I wasn't going to be cast in the show anyways - the director had made that clear. I decided to just go for it. No holding back. Take a risk. What did I have to lose? I arrived at the address providing for some place in Pitt Meadows. I had no idea where I was going. Turns out - it's the recreation centre. There were children running around. And I was wearing black leather knee-high boots, thigh high fishnets with big white bows on the sides, tiny black booty shows, a French maid lingerie outfit, a black office blazer, smokey eye make-up (heavy on the eyeliner) and blood red lips. I don't have a picture of the entire get-up, but here is the lingerie by itself. Yes, I was wearing this in public. Around children. 

And, of course, I didn't bring anything to cover up with. It wasn't a particularly cold night. But, I mean, it was 8:00 on a Thursday night in Maple Ridge. 

To top it all off, the auditions were happening in a preschool. In that moment, I was pretty sure I had reserved myself a spot in Hell. 

The girl waiting to go in was wearing uggs, jeans, and a cardigan. Gee did I feel stupid.

So I went in there and performed my Bunny monologue from House of Blue Leaves, sans accent, of course. They laughed a lot, and then asked me to do it again as if I was trying to drive my scene partner out of the room. That's difficult with this monologue since Bunny is basically trying to seduce Artie, so I took a crazy, hysterical approach. They loved it. Then they asked me to cold read a monologue. I don't actually remember if it was from the show or not. I can't picture the words now. It was a great monologue. Lots could be done with it. They asked if I could do any accents. I love doing accents and I knew that there were five in this show - French Canadian, Newfie, Southern US, Polish, and British. I stated that my best was French, though I knew I was much too young to play the French woman (about twenty years too young) and that the Southern and Polish characters were in m age range. But, surprisingly, they asked me to try Newfie. Now a Newfie accent is not one that I could ever get a grasp on. It's probably my worst one. I can do a love Irish and darn good redneck, but I can't blend the two (which is what a Newfie accent sounds like to me). I tried my best. It was okay. Definitely not great though. Then they asked me to improvise a dance on the spot (but to please keep my clothes on). I didn't know there was going to be dancing in the audition, but at least that was ONE thing I was comfortable doing, even if I was wearing next to nothing. I think I am really thankful for is the confidence I have in my body. Even when it doesn't look it's best (I looked my best at the end of last summer. I looked worse than I had in years at the time of this audition), I still feel pretty comfortable in it. I had some awkward months during the tail end of puberty for sure. I weighed a bit more than I do now, but I never was one to really pick myself apart. I really do thank God for this. It made teenagehood a heck of a lot easier probably. 

So I started to dance. A little awkwardly at first since I was wearing knee high stilettos that I had never danced in before. I spotted a chair along the side wall out of the corner of my eye and grabbed it. I love dancing with props and chairs. 

I walked out of that audition feeling good. He had asked if I read the play beforehand. I said no and he asked why. I wanted to say, "Because it would've been a waster of my time," considering I had no part in this show, right? But instead I said, "I'm sorry. I did do a lot of research on the play and the court case itself, but between work and Drood, I just ran out of time to read it by the time I found the script." Lies.

Almost exactly twelve hours later, at 8:30 am, John called me to tell me that I was right. I had blown him away and he wanted to offer me the part of Marky, the youngest stripper and one of the three characters without an accent. He sent me the script, which I skimmed, and accepted the part. I had never done a monologue-play before (which I didn't know it was until I accepted and read the script) and I had also never done a non-musical before. Sure there was going to be a little bit of dancing - stripper-style - and one character sings a little verse a capella, but this was not a musical. My first straight play.

He ended up moving the read through to later on in the day so that I could attend. It was cool to meet everyone and the interview with the two strippers was very cool. John asked if I would choreograph the show as well. That was flattering. I was the youngest person in the cast and didn't have as much dance training as Lauren, so I'm still not quite sure why he picked me, but I'm glad he did. 

Clearly things had started out a little weird with the director and then they were escalated (for me) when he told us that he usually expects his actors to come to the first rehearsal off-book, but because this show was all monologues, he didn't want us to do any homework before our first, individual, private rehearsals. Well thank goodness. I would never come to a first rehearsal off-book. No matter who I was working for. ... Okay... Maybe if Jason Robert Brown or Stephen Spielberg asked me to, I would do it, but it would take one special person to make me go against the training I believe in. 

I arrived at my first rehearsal as a blank slate and was quickly discouraged when I felt that John's directing techniques conflicted with my personal values and education. I struggled with the monologue and continued to be overwhelmed with what was being asked of me for weeks to come. I would come home after every rehearsal almost in tears - either out of frustration or pure anger. "I don't agree with this." "I'm not clicking with the girls." "I just don't get it." My roommate at the time, Meaghan, encouraged me to stand up against it. She advised me to either quit, talk to John, or ignore him and do it my way. Her only "do not" advise was not to continue the way it was going. She agreed with the things that I was saying. I didn't feel like quitting was a good option. I had never backed out of a show before. I didn't feel morally right about that. I started to look at it as a personal and professional challenge - get through this show without killing anyone. That would be good. John went away for a week for a vacation and left the show with the assistant director, Simon. On that day I decided to just go for it and do it my way. It was well received. John came back and I showed him what I had done, and he liked some of it, and wanted other parts back the way he had set them. I struggled some more. Finally I started questioning things and John explained to me why he did things the way he did. It clicked. I understood. And I wished I had asked sooner. I asked to revisit a couple areas and between the two of us, we found a really good compromise between what he wanted and what I was comfortable with. Finally I was at ease with the whole process and my heart softened a little for John.

A few weeks later it dawned on me that this show could possibly interfere with a summer contract. I knew Rossland was interested in having me back and decided to audition anyway. In the original audition call for APCW, it had not mentioned the show bleeding into the summer. It mentioned the FVZ Festival at the end of May, but, having never done a festival show before, I didn't know exactly what that meant. The first I heard about the possibility of going into the first week of July was in the audition room when John asked, "And you're not planning any vacations or anything until mid-August?" I nonchalantly said, "Yeah." First, because I've been taught to always say yes in auditions, and two, because I didn't think it mattered since I WASN'T GOING TO BE CAST IN THE SHOW ANYWAY. Now that I was cast and I had my summer-epiphany, I was convinced that we could all work something out so that I could do both. I got offered the contract and then had to talk to both John and Lisa to work something out. Reluctantly, Lisa agreed to release me from the Follies, in the event that we won the festival, for one weekend in June for a fundraising performance, plus for opening night, which is when our slot was scheduled to be in Kamloops. John was very convinced that we were going to win. To be honest, I wasn't so sure. I told my friends that the show was "okay". I thought we performed it well for sure, but it's not everyone's style of show. Also, if I can take the liberty to say this, I think the material in the play itself is great, but I think it's a little repetitive. It's as if every monologue has a pattern: humor, tragedy, dance. I had a couple friends come watch the run and they said the same thing. John wasn't super stoked that I had auditioned for something else, but he got what he wanted, so the tension that had arose eventually went away and things were fine between us. 

I was proud of myself for the show. It had been my biggest challenge to date. I had learned so much about the industry and even caught myself having fun with these women, even though there are a couple divas in the cast. They deserve to be divas - they are all pretty fucking talented women. I had a newfound respect, and even love for, stripping and was considering taking a pole dancing workshop. The process had  been great, but I was grateful when the run was over. No more driving to Maple Ridge during rush hour. I was so happy that it was only a 5 show run. 

We had scheduled two more shows to do before festival - to keep everything looking sharp. I didn't really look forward to either. My heart had never been in the show and it cared even less now that I had been away from it for a while. Absence, in this case, had not made the heart grow fonder. 

Finally it was festival time. We were scheduled last. I quit my job a week early so I could fully participate in the festival. I had to leave the next week anyway - I had to be in Rossland the week after and I wanted to squeeze in a visit to my family before I left. The festival was amazing. Four great shows, but two in particular that I thought were incredible. I lost a bit more confidence in the show. We were good, but I didn't think we would be quite good enough. Also, I grew such a love and respect for the adjudicator, Stephen Drover. His opinions on theatre, the critique he gave, and the things he had to say about each performance were just spot on. I knew he would like our show,  but it was hard to predict whether he would be on board for the message that it sends. 

Friday night. Performance time. We got ready. We were feeling good. And something clicked in me. I don't know when it happened. Or why. But all of a sudden, I loved this show. I loved the women in it and I was so passionate about what we were trying to say. All of a sudden I was dedicated to giving the best performance of my life. I haven't gotten stage jitters in years. That nervous, excited feeling. I haven't really gotten it for a performance since 10th grade. It came back that night. In floods. I was shaking. I was smiling. I was excited. I was nervous. I had tons of energy and it was going to go into every word I said and every movement I did tonight. The lights came up and we all walked onto that stage and we killed it. I have never felt so good about a performance. It was an incredible feeling. I didn't want it to end. I was ready to pack up, drop everything, and take the show on tour. It wasn't over for me. 

The next night was the awards gala. I wanted to secretly hope we didn't win. I knew my life would be simpler if we didn't. I would go visit my parents and then head to Rossland as planned and have no summer conflicts. But I couldn't even pretend to not care. I did. I wanted us to win so bad. And then we did. We not only won Most Outstanding Production, but we won Most Outstanding Ensemble, Director, and Costumes as well. I've never been so close to crying out of happiness before. We won. We deserved it. And we were going to Mainstage. I couldn't believe it. 

I had to cancel my trip to see my parents. I stayed behind in Vancouver to figure out some choreography things with John and to attend some extra rehearsals. I put off leaving for Rossland until the last minute, arriving the evening before the first rehearsal. I didn't care. I almost didn't care about Rossland. I just loved this show.

Three days before I left, I decided to audition, on a whim, for CBC's reality TV show, "Over the Rainbow". Well, actually, my roommate Nicole was auditioning. She didn't tell me about it because she had figured I wouldn't be in town anymore. At the last minute, she convinced me to go with her for "shits and giggles". "It'll be fun!" she said. Well, turns out the jokes on me - I got a callback. I had been put through to the Top 100 and was given the opportunity to fly to Toronto and compete for a spot in the Top 20. I wish I could've been excited for this, but all I could think of was, 'Shit. Is this going to conflict with APCW?' I couldn't stand the thought of letting down my girls. I talked to John about it and he agreed to give me a few days to find out as many details as I could. I tried. I really did. I called the producers so many times to try and get itinerary and flight details. All I knew was that something was occurring on June 21st in Toronto, and I was supposed to perform with Emerald Pig on June 22nd in Vancouver. By this time, I was in Rossland and had to communicate with everyone long distance. It was hard, trying to juggle everything. In the end, John decided he couldn't wait anymore for details. I had to decide - turn down Toronto completely or they would replace me. I couldn't turn down Toronto. I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if I passed up the opportunity that would've made my career. I had already turned down Disney once. I couldn't say no to this too. I chose Toronto. Now that I've gone, I can't say that I support or regret my decision. I did what I felt was right at the time. It turns out that if John could have waited two more days, we would've discovered that yes, I would have been back in time to do both fundraising performances. My flight from Toronto landed in Vancouver at 2:30 pm. The performance was in Langley at 7:00 pm.

I've tried to look on the bright side of this. Even though choosing Toronto didn't entirely work in my benefit, it was still a great experience. I was able to be in the opening night performance of the Follies, which was great. And I got to pass on the amazing Mainstage opportunity to someone else equally deserving (Krista Magnusson), who I'm sure appreciated it.

Of course I'm human. I am jealous and envious that I didn't get to go to Mainstage. I'm disappointed in myself for not following all the way through a performance. I'm worried that I've burned bridges and damaged relationships with my ex-cast mates and that I've possibly developed a bad rep for myself in Vancouver. I have to pay Emerald Pig back for the flight that they paid for me, which is $323 that I definitely don't have right now. I'm hurt that (it felt) they were so quick to replace me. And I'm curious - to what kind of spin Krista brought to Marky, how the performance went in Kamloops, what the adjudicator (Jeff Hyslop) had to say about the performance and how it would have differed if I had been there instead of Krista. I wonder if she did a better job than me and if everyone is glad that I'm out and she's in. Maybe it was for the better. I try to remind myself that I contributed in getting them to Mainstage. I was part of the festival performance that got them there and I still did the choreography so there is a piece of me on the stage in Kamloops too. I also wonder that if they don't win on Saturday, if it's my fault for not being there, or if they win, if they still would have if I had. There so many things I'll never know. I do honestly and genuinely hope they do well. They deserve it. And despite what some of them think, I really do still care. And I always have. Three of the ladies have since contacted me. They let me know how they felt about the whole situation and I was glad that we got the opportunity to talk it out. There are still four others that are a big question mark though. Do they hate me? I have no idea. John had said on the phone that my auditioning for CBC had created so much animosity throughtout the cast that even if I did chose APCW over Toronto, the damage already done may not be repairable. That's when I knew that I should just let it go. I couldn't go back to a cast that held a grudge against me. It felt better to let them replace me and create a new dynamic.

This blog post would have been very different if I had posted that Sunday morning after we had won. It would have ended with me being ecstatic for Mainstage. Unfortunately that wasn't the way it worked out, but I trust in God and I believe he had a plan and a reason for all of these. I hope one day it becomes clear.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Thank you, John, for giving me the chance to be a part of this amazing production.
Thank you, Lori, Angela, Amy, Emily, Lisa-Marie, Kait, and Lauren, for giving me some incredible memories that I will carry with me and cherish for the rest of my life.
And thank you to everyone else who was involved in this production.

And I wish you all every last ounce of luck in this world - not that you need it though.

A Particular Class of Women with Krista Magnusson as Marky