What is Self-Confidence?

Time for a self-evaluation.  

Do you ever: 

Let what other people think affect what you say, how you act, or what you do?

Avoid taking risks because they are out of your comfort zone and you are scared of failing?

Try to cover up your mistakes or problems before anyone notices them?

Applaud your own virtues out loud? Seek approval of other people by mentioning a good deed you did?

Dismiss compliments? Eg. "I like your hair." "Oh it's nothing. Anyone could do it." or "Yours is better!"

Compare yourself to other people, celebrities, etc?

Let something you read in a magazine or heard on TV affect how you act or dress?

Think negative thoughts about yourself because of something that someone said?

We are all human, but if you answered 'yes' to any of these, you may want to consider drawing some attention to these areas of your life. We all have our moments, but if you find yourself in moments like those weekly, follow this blog. I've come up with a series of suggestions on how to raise your self-confidence without looking like a prick. Stay tuned for these posts. 

What exactly is "self-confidence"? Yesterday I discussed what I think it looks like, but here is the actual definition:

Self-Confidence has two contributors: Self-Efficacy and Self-Esteem. Self-Efficacy is gained when we see ourselves mastering skills and accomplishing goals that matter to us. Having this kind of confidence assures us that, if we work hard and are willing to learn in one particular area, we will succeed. It also helps us deal with and accept difficult challenges and helps us to keep going and pushing forward when we encounter setbacks. Self-Esteem is a more general sense that overlaps with this. Self-Esteem helps us cope with what is going on with our lives and reminds us that we have a right to be happy. Part of this can come from the people around us. When the people in our lives approve of us by loving, encouraging, and supporting the things we do, we feel good about doing it, but depending on that feeling of approval is risky, because it is not always in our control. True self-esteem comes from feeling good about what we do, knowing that what we are doing is right and virtuous, knowing that we are capable of doing what we are doing, and knowing that we can do anything we put our minds to and we will be successful. 

Doesn't that just sound ideal? I want that! Unfortunately I can't just put this atop my Christmas list and hope Santa deems me a good girl this year. Like I said before, it can only be something I find for myself from within.

Just to start to you with something to think about until the next post!

Happy pondering!

On Self-Confidence

I personally believe that self-confidence is the most important attribution that a person could carry with them for the duration of their careers and their lives in general. It's crucial to becoming happy with the person you've become. I think back to situations throughout my life where I had to deal with a person who had low self-confidence. It wasn't enjoyable. They were nervous, fumbling, over-apologetic, and constantly needed my reassurance that what they were doing was right. Maybe it's because I'm in the world of performing arts, but I'm accustomed to being around people who have a heightened sense of self (or at least who pretend that they do). They are more likely to speak clearly, hold their head high, answer questions with assurance, and readily admit when they don't know something. They make me feel good too and inspire me to be more confident in myself. Confidence is vital to success. Becoming a confident person will draws people in. People love to work with someone who is confident in themselves because it inspires confidence in others, whether that be an audience, peers, bosses, customers, friends, whatever.

This is a topic that I'm very passionate. I used to want to make it a career actually - before I discovered acting. I was going to dedicate my life to being a motivational speaker who specialized in discussing self-esteem and self-confidence in young girls. I can't just let it go. You may see posts similar to these in the coming months as I hash out my views on media, bullying, and comparisons and what I think should be done about it. 

First of all, what does confidence look like?

Self-confidence is doing what you believe to be right, even if others mock or criticize you for it, and being open-minded towards what other people may consider right, even if it's different from what you believe.

Self-confidence is being willing to take risks and go the extra mile for the things you are truly passionate about in life.

Self-confidence is learning from your mistakes and growing from them. 

Self-confidence is feeling good about the accomplishments you have achieved. 

Self-confidence is being able to properly digest the information people throw at you - accepting compliments graciously, listening to constructive criticism with an open mind and then deciding afterward what you want to do with it, and disregarding rude comments from people you don't care about. 

I encourage you all to find a confidence role model. Find someone in your life that portrays the kind of image you want to give off. Watch them.Study them. How do people react to their positive energy? How exactly do they portray that self-confidence you admire? What exactly to they do? If you are comfortable, you could even ask them how they learned to love themselves. They may have some awesome advice, or recommend a good book they read, or someone to talk to. Whatever they say - TRY. It may work for you too. Your role model is living proof that it is all possible. The most important thing is to keep trying different things until you find one that works for you. Maybe what you are currently doing right now isn't working, so it's time to move on to something different. Otherwise, you will be suck in this rut for the rest of your life. 

I do recognize that there are a lot of lines to cross here. Where does confidence turned into being conceited? And what happens when a heightened self-esteem is used to mask deeper issues? I don't have the answers. Let me think on it and if I think of something, I'll post about it. It's a tough balance between confidence and humbleness. And I dated this guy once that was constantly telling people how awesome and talented he was, but I knew that he secretly was very self-conscious and thought he was fat (he wasn't). His need for constant reassurance was actually exhausting and I had no idea how to "fix" it. I think it's something that has to come from the very core of the individual - they have to want to learn to love themselves. You can't love them for them. You can only love them for you. 

Besides, it's the 21st century. Nobody wants to be that co-dependent couple that have one joined personality. 

Love each other. Love yourself. Love your life and the world we live in. I know there's lots of tough stuff going on, but there really is beauty to be seen if you want to see it! Love your body. Love the city you live in. Love your job and your family and your friends. Love everything. 

March

It's been a while since I've posted about Happiness Project, but March's focus was supposed to be channeling my inner child by having fun with my hobbies.

I spent a lot of time thinking on this topic (and a lot less doing). What are my hobbies? Immediately my mind jumps to what seems obvious: musical theatre - singing, dancing, acting, and that whole lot, but some would argue that those things are also my passions as well as my [attempt at] line of work. This lead to a lot of brainstorming of the things I like to do that don't involve performing.

I love reading... Specifically stories of love and/or adventure. I love autobiographies by people I admire and I like books that have something to teach me - call them self-help, if you will. I am currently reading The Passage by Justin Cronin (action/adventure/end-of-the-world-type story) and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (I really think every human being should read this).

I love writing... My blog is one way that I do this. My other project is a screenplay for a TV series I'd like to produce sometime. I have a great idea for a novel that has yet to extend from the first page and I like to write stories and would love to complete another play.

I love food... Baking, cooking, trying new restaurants. I don't bake very often, and don't even cook as much as I'd like/should. My specialties [at the moment]: Pizza, Milkshakes, and Handmade Burger Patties. I try to a new restaurant every week but it gets expensive to dine out too often.

I love arts and crafts... Scrapbooking and cardmaking, which I never do anymore because I feel like I don't have enough space and the supplies is so expensive. I have a rug hook project that I've been working on for years and I've recently taken up making bath products. I mastered the bath bomb and am now perfecting all the different scents and may start selling them on Etsy.

I love home improvement... DIY projects, interior decorating, organization. I had to cool it on this one for a while because I was spending too much money.

I suppose you could call my choices of exercise and fitness hobbies... I go to the gym to use the treadmill, weights, and machines. I take the occasional Zumba or Dance Fitness class. I tried several different kinds of yoga but - sorry yoga enthusiasts - it just ain't my thing. I walk and run around my neighborhood and swim laps at the leisure centre. Yes, mostly cardio-based, but hey, it's all I need right now!

Shopping (very seldomly), movies, and music are the typical hobbies of young females so I don't feel the need to elaborate on those.

I feel as if I've composed a fairly good list of hobbies here!

I touched on each of these once over the last 3-4 weeks. Not terrible with all the other things I have on my plate!

We'll just touch on Friendship February for a moment here. On Family Day I went out for brunch at Cafe Crepe with fellow alumnus from college. I invited another alumni out on a separate day, but she didn't respond. I feel as if I have grown quite apart from all the friends that I graduated college with and I haven't made a whole lot of new ones here in Vancouver yet. Maybe I should have focused February on finding new ways to make friends instead! I did sent out a couple of letters and that is the extent of my having a social life this month. *sigh*

21 and Love

The Types of People You Will Fall in Love With in Your 20s

You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less? 

You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume. 

You will fall in love with someone for one night and one night only. They’ll come to you when you need them and be gone in the morning when you don’t. At first, this will make you feel empty and you’ll try to convince yourself that you could’ve loved this person for longer than a night, but you can’t. Some people are just meant to make cameo appearances, some are destined to be a pithy footnote. That’s okay though. Not every person we love has to stick around. Sometimes it’s better to leave while you’re still ahead. Sometimes it’s better to leave before you get unloved. 

You will fall in love with the old couple down the street because to you they represent the impossible: a stable, long-lasting love. You’re trying to get someone to like you for more than ten minutes. A monogamous “never get sick of ya” love seems unfathomable. “What’s your secret, sir? Do you just say yes a lot?” 

You will fall in love with smells, the good and the bad kind. You will want to wear your lovers shirt because it makes you feel close to them and you’re okay with being that PYSCHO who is legitimately sniffing their shirt in public. You will fall in love with sweat, certain perfumes, the smell of the season in which you fell in love. This particular love smells like fall. It smells like Halloween and a roaring fire and leaves and fog and mist and candy and food and family and whiskey and sex and the lint that collects on sweaters. When it ends, if it ends, you will never experience another fall without thinking of him, her, it. The memories will stick to the ground like a mound of leaves and will only dissipate when the weather drops. 

You will fall in love with your friends. Deep, passionate love. You will create a second family with them, a kind of tribe that makes you feel less vulnerable. Sometimes our families can’t love us all the time. Sometimes we’re born into families who don’t know how to love us properly. They do as much as they can but the rest is up to our friends. They can love you all the time, without judgement. At least the good ones can. 

This is where I’m supposed to tell you that you will fall in love with The One, a person who isn’t too cold or too nice. Their “O” face is perfectly fine and they’re not afraid to show how much they love you. This person is supposed to wait for us at the end of the twentysomething road as some kind of reward for all the heartache and loneliness. We deserve them. We’ve earned this kind of love.

So fine. You’re going to fall in love with The One. You’re going to fall in love with someone who will make sense beyond college or a job or a particular season. They’ll make sense forever and won’t ever want to leave you behind. I’m telling you this not because it’s true but because it NEEDS to be true. Everyone is entitled to this kind of love, so why not? Have it. It’s yours. Blow out the candles on your 30th birthday, holding their hand, and let out an exhale that’s been waiting for ten years. Do it. Now.

I love this. 

That was "The People You Will Fall In Love With In Your 20s" by Ryan O'Connell from Thought Catalog. 

I had a conversation with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago that really had me thinking about this passage. Coming into this relationship I held a lot of worry and uncertainty internally. I was scared and confused. I didn't really know what I wanted, yet I was determined not to repeat the mistakes I had in the past. As well, I had a lot of conflicting ideas that were trying to battle it out in my head for dominance.

Like, for example, the advice I'd received often from an adult female family member: "Don't settle. You deserve the best." What they forgot to tell me: Best  Perfect. 

There is no such thing as the perfect man, but if there was, I think I created him. When I was 10 I started to write short stories about a family in Oregon. They had a daughter my age who became very much like my best friend. I think I created her out of loneliness. This was the time in my life where I was having trouble fitting in at a new school. I wished so desperately that Cassidy was a real person who would go horseback riding and have sleepovers with me. I also gave her an older brother, Jason, who I fantasized about being a real person - somewhere out there - who would someday fall in love with me. It wasn't until a couple years ago when I had to give myself a harsh reality check - Jason wasn't real. This "perfect boyfriend/husband" I had created in my imagination does not exist out there for me to find and I needed to stop looking for him. 

So I tried to banish all romanticized notions of love out of my head. There were no love at first sights, no knights in shining armor, no soul mates. There were just men and I just had to frickin pick one. 

And that I did. He was a very nice guy and he was very very good to me. We lived together for 8 months and then I broke his heart. After a fight he told a mutual friend that he would sooner propose to me than break up and I knew right then that it had to end. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn't in love with him. I had tried. I had gone into the relationship unsure and had gone against my instincts for months. I remember that I had thought about breaking up with 5 months before I actually did. I wanted to protect him from any awkwardness at school because even though I didn't love him, I still cared. I realize now that this was exponentially unfair. I strung him along while I decided whether or not I wanted what he was willing to give me and I swore never to do that again to another human being. I vowed that the next time I went into a relationship I would be honest with myself and not take the other person's feelings for granted. Like O'Connell said, I have the power to hurt someone. Having that power is a big responsibility and it doesn't always feel nice to have it. 

Next commences the period of my life where I had a string of really short relationships. I would go on dates with men until I found something wrong with him and then split. "He doesn't want as many kids as I do." "He isn't supportive enough of the arts" "He still lives with his mom" It may have been the selfish way of doing things, but I'm sure all of these men have moved on and hold no grudges.

Then I met another man and despite telling myself I couldn't, I fell in love with him. I told him I wanted to marry him, and have his children, and move in with him. I trapped him and he amused me for while by going along with it before finally admitting that he was in love with someone else and broke it off. I was devastated, yes, but thus appeared my second love epiphany. Relationships are a little bit like produce - letting them grow organically is a lot better for us then pumping them full of growth hormones. I vowed to let him take control of the best next time.

I'll touch very briefly on the next guy that came along. I kept quiet and let him tell me where he wanted our relationship to go. I was a secret. He didn't want to be seen in public together. He didn't want anyone to know that we talked or hung out. This wasn't a relationship, he stated, - it was just casual sex. Somehow I believed that if I stuck it out, he would grow to really like me and want more. I was wrong. And in 15 seconds you've probably already established what it took me 3 months to come to terms with: This guy is an asshole. 

This brings me to today. I would like to say that I've learned all my love lessons and that I am now the perfect girlfriend, but that is simply not the case. I entered this relationship aiming to do everything right. I was unsure about the whole thing at first, but I remembered how much it sucks to sense the other person's uncertainties, so I tried to mask them with affection in as many different ways as I knew how. I had mentally given him the reins of the relationship to let things advance at the pace he was ready for and I'd go along for the ride. What I failed to realize is that I was about to make a plethora of brand new mistakes. I forgot to ask him how he was feeling about it all. 

We're good though. I'm more confident  in this than I ever have been. Friends that were once saying "Doesn't sound like he really likes you - dump him" are now saying "Em, I'm glad I was wrong about him" We're not perfect - we never will be. I'm not planning our wedding, but I'm excited to see where this summer takes us. I don't take his heart or his time or his kindness for granted - I hold great value in the fact that he is trying and learning to trust me with his thoughts and feelings and maybe someday secrets and I hope he finds it as easy to care about me as I found it easy to become fond of him. 

Notice that I don't use the word love. I didn't because this is no longer a word I take so lightly. This word has so much meaning. I've fallen in love many times. I fell in love with summer in Rossland. I fell in love with my friends in college. I fell in love with music and theatre and tastes. I fell in love with that hour before the sun sets - when the sun is low in the sky and casts that beautiful glow that makes everything seem romantic, but is impossible to drive in. Love is not out of the question. In fact, it's happening, but before those three little words come out of this mouth, I need to be positive that he is ready to hear them. 

February

January's resolutions were harder than expected, specifically not being on my phone all the time, especially at work. I found that during lunch time at my day job, I would get so bored that I would pull my phone out, and then I felt kind of stuck to it for the rest of the shift, even when other things I could have done emerged. I didn't find the time to meditate every day (or... ever), but I did pay more attention to my senses. My food tasted better if I just took a minute to enjoy it. I smiled at the rain, or occasional sunbeam, and the sounds of traffic and reminded myself how much I love this city. I paid attention to familiar smells and touched everything I could. I found the latter particularly helpful during rehearsals for the play that I'm in. Touching everything really helped me get to know my set. This is will always be a work in progress for me, especially with the constant upgrade of technologies that surround us in this day and era. Time to move on for now.

Friendship February

Make time to attend social functions

Take the initiative to plan coffee dates, drink dates, breakfast dates, etc myself

Use technology to my advantage - Call, Email, Text, Facebook friends on daily basis to just check in

Ask questions

Listen

Offer support

Remember birthdays

Write letters

Show appreciation

So... anyone want to go for coffee this month? ;-)

Paradoxes

Okay I know this makes me a huge nerd, but I love the subject of the English language. I was in AP English and Literature in high school and it is still one of my favorite topics. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, analysis, and my favorite - literary devices. And my favorite literary device? Paradoxes. I've always loved the idea that it takes both an idea and its opposite in order for the idea to exist in the first place. Are things black and white or are they just different shades of grey? It's possible to believe both extremes at the same time! Whenever asked to describe myself I almost always use the phrase "a walking paradox". I will admit that I could possibly be the weirdest person you know. I'm so "on the fence" about everything that I've been told that one can never guess where I stand on any topic. For example: I'm a Christian. I read the Bible and pray daily. I believe in integrity and doing good, but I also believe in karma and the law of attraction. I believe having sex before marriage is healthy, that same sex marriages are just as holy as opposite sex marriage, that having relationships with multiple people is not wrong if everyone is open and honest about it. I believe a life is a life the minute the egg is fertilized and I could never ever get an abortion, but I believe it should always be an option for others and I'll never judge someone for getting one or refer to it as murder... Stuff like that. This isn't supposed to spark a huge pro-choice/pro-life or religious debate. It's simply an explanation to how much I love paradoxes. I'm going to compile a list here of some of my favorites. Enjoy!

"How uncanny an animal this life was, that you had to seize it and let go of it at the same time, that you had to enjoy but also plan, live every minute and die every moment" - Vikram Chandra

The days are long, but the years are short. - Gretchen Rubin

Be Emily. Accept myself, but also perfect my nature.

Think about myself so I can forget myself.

Work on your own happiness so you can make other people happier.

Lighten up and don't take oneself so seriously. But also, take oneself more seriously.

Don't waste time - Learn to spend time efficiently. Don't forget to wander, play, fail, read at whim.

Don't lose your ambition, but be free from envy and fear of the future. Live fully present in the moment.

Be mindful of the moment. Enjoy each to the fullest. Reflect on the past to learn from mistakes. Remember errs and then forget. Plan for the future. Go with the flow.

Key elements of happiness: Control, Mastery, Novelty, Challenge

Everything matters and nothing matters

"Everything matters more than we think it does, and, at the same time, nothing matters so much as we think it does. The merest spark may set all Europe in a blaze, but though all Europe be set in a blaze twenty times over, the world will wag itself right again.” - Samuel Butler

In being happy, one might not always feel happy.

Somewhere, keep an empty shelf; somewhere, keep a junk drawer.

Flawed can be more perfect than perfection. 

Worse is better. 

Go slow to go fast.

Do it now. Wait. 

Think big. Think small.

“There are trivial truths and great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.” - Niels Bohr

“The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.” - Mark Twain

"If there is an exception to every rule, then every rule must have at least one exception; the exception to this one being that it has no exception." "There's always an exception to the rule, except to the exception of the rule—which is, in of itself, an accepted exception of the rule."

"Moderation in all things, including moderation"

"I know that I know nothing at all."

It seems like you can replace any component of a ship, and it is still the same ship. So you can replace them all, one at a time, and it is still the same ship. However, you can then take all the original pieces, and assemble them into a ship. That, too, is the same ship you began with.

Balancing my performing life with my serving life often feels like a paradox. I love performing and want to do it as much as possible, and obviously I would love to be paid for it all the time, but that is just simply not the case right now. I must offer to do shows for free sometimes or risk hardly doing any shows at all. Also, there is a lot of time and money needed to dedicate to improving my craft. Performers require many coaches and classes to perfect their skills - voice coaches, singing lessons, acting classes, dance classes, etc. These things cost both time and money. My night-time job at a fine dining restaurant is fantastic. I make good money there and I enjoy it, but it only earns me enough to pay for the basics of food, transportation, and living expenses. So my days are free to take the dance classes I need, but I don't have the money to pay for them. So I took a second job that I work in the day time. This job provides me with enough money to pay for all the coachings and classes I need, but now I don't have the time to do them because I'm always working. So the paradox is that I either have the time to do classes but not the money, and if I work more to make the money, I no longer have the time to put it to good use. 


Just some ideas to mess with your mind a little. I would love to hear any relevant paradoxes you feel in your life!

January

January's goal is to Enjoy the Moment (Mindfulness).

Focus on the pleasures of the task at hand
Stop trying to multitask - Do one thing at a time
Slow down
Take a deep breath
Turn off the phone when focus is needed
Check email and Facebook in the morning and at night, but not in between
Remember that it's okay to be happy
Hone in on my senses - touch things, smell, taste, listen
Meditate 5 mins 3x day.

This is a hard one to set goals for. It's more of a state of mind than anything. So I guess the big goal of the month is to just be aware of being mindful and trying to stay in the moment. This is going to be a difficult month for me. I am used to doing at least numerous things at once - on my phone, at work, etc. Also, I had a friend pass away and I find myself lost in thought a lot. I know this is part of the grieving process but he would have wanted me to continue enjoying life. I need to get out of my head and be thankful to be alive. I'm here. Right now. Enjoy it.