How to Do Holidays When You're Broke as @&!$

If you are as poor as I am, you probably recognize the roller coaster of emotions that ensues whenever society approaches a holiday. The anxiety, the guilt, the frustration. So here are my tips to how to get through this Easter (and next Christmas and Valentine's Day) without further damaging your already broken bank account:

1. Lay the groundwork by preaching to everyone the reason for the season. 

If you're even remotely religious, this is easy. Start being pretentious and frown on everyone who conforms to consumerism by dishing out cash to show their loved ones just how much they care. If you are agnostic, this is a great time to "try out" a certain philosophy. Connect with your Buddhist side and preach against materialism. Or, for you atheists, just pull out the "family" card. No one can argue with "[X] holiday is about spending time with the people you love"

2. Celebrate "family time" by suggesting a holiday decoration-making party (hosted by someone else, of course) 

Retro is so in these days. So bring some string and stale popcorn and let your family bring the fancy stuff. Those paper chain things made out of construction paper are always classy. Or it always means more when the Valentine is handmade anyway, right? Make sure you leave with more than what you brought. This is key. "Anyone want this basket of beautifully decorated eggs? Going once. Going tw- I'll take one for the team and give it a home" *stash in coat closet* Use ordinary things you already have but "holidify" them. Cut a Christmas tree out of construction paper and then "decorate" it on your fridge with your magnets. Place tealight candles in a heart-shape. Put out a bowl with eggs. Hang extra toques and mitts off the lampshade. A vase of fake flowers. Bring out your beach and picnic gear. Holiday mugs. Display your in season fruits and vegetables as a centerpiece. 

3. Get creative with your wrapping methods. 

That driver's ed manual you will never read again. Old tests. Newspaper. Clothing store bags. Grocery bags. Think outside the box, literally. Doodles with Sharpie personalize any gift. What you can't make or find around your house, get at the dollar store. 

4. Enjoy city-funded activities

Take advantage of the free activities going on in your community that your taxes paid for anyway. Google "free [insert holiday] activities [insert your city]" and it will come up with loads of ideas. Free ice skating, parades, Easter egg hunts, festivals, fireworks, free admission to certain exhibits and attractions, outdoor movies, train/sleigh/buggie rides, community socials, and more! Also be sure to check your local newspaper and community and recreation center's website. 

5. Winter cleaning

This one is specifically for Christmas as it tends to be the most expensive holiday of them all. Instead of doing spring cleaning, do it at the end of October or beginning of November. Sell anything of value that you don't want or use anymore and then put the extra cash towards your gift fund. Donate the leftovers. Not only do you obtain a few bucks, but you also achieve less clutter and more room for the new stuff you are going to be given. 

6. The gift of time...

This one can go two ways. If you honestly don't want to receive anything (whether because you don't have any more room in your house, you just can't think of anything you want, or you're family is just full of shitty gift givers), make a speech about how it would mean the world to you if instead of gifts this year if you all did something together for someone else. Make sure you make them feel really guilty about being so materialistic. Then pick an activity to do together for an hour: pick up garbage, do a tap dance for an old person, or pet some orphans. Or give everyone a nice card and say that instead of gifts this year, you made a donation to X organization in their name. But then don't give the organization money. Volunteer your time instead and then just say you gave money... No one will know the difference. 

7. Actual gift ideas

• Offer to do something for the person, like a massage, housecleaning, babysitting, or an uninterrupted afternoon with you where you leave your phone and computer at home and where they get to pick how the time is spent (moms, grandmas, and little siblings will love that one).
• Pick an activity that is cheap and bring that person along. Then say something cheesy like "I'm giving you a memory/experience/life and that is the greatest gift a person can give" Ideas: Picnics, Tuesday matinee movies (and sneak in your own snacks, House hunting (going to real estate open houses), Playgroung, At-home spa day, Garage saling, A scrapbooking class/workshop at a community centre, Make a time capsule, Go for a walk, Look at the stars, Pick berries, apples, corn, or pumpkins, Work out, Go geocaching, Attend a festival, Gardening, Day trip or quick road trip, Build something or get something from the thrift store and give it a makeover, Build a snowman, scarecrow, or birdfeeder, DIY photo shoot, the Beach, Flea market, Farmers market, Cook dinner together, Museums, Flower gardens, Playing basketball in the park, A pizza or fondue or wings or cookie making competition showdown, Winery or brewery tour...
• Pick out a cheap gift from a second-hand store based off of nostalgia and call it retro. Board games you used to play as kids, Goosebumps books, 80s workout DVDs, or a movie you haven't seen in forever.
• Make your own gifts, of course. 


• Mass produce a batch of jam, pickled beans, tomato sauce, or something like that. 
• Buy a 26 of liquor, infuse it with something cool, like Skittles, Jolly Ranchers, Lychees, or Bacon, and then pour it into smaller bottles. 
• Fucking knit something
• Photo album, Picture frame, or frame something other than a picture, like a movie ticket stub, a plane ticket, an ultrasound, or a newspaper clipping. 
• Swants, if you have a ridiculous brother or boyfriend who would wear them
• Baking
• Compile your favorite recipes into a cookbook
• Mixed CDs
• Inspirational art - I call it inspirational because I can't really draw worth shit... So instead I write inspirational quotes in really big letters. Good on ya if talent actually comes out your finger tips
• Write a nice letter, make some origami, homemade Valentines or cards, a jar of hearts (or eggs or stars) with things written on each (Reason why you love them, a joke, an inspirational quote, etc)
• Bath products
• Buy a big bottle of bubble bath and split it into smaller bottles. Buy a big box of chocolates and then wrap 3 or 4 into smaller, fancy bags. Then give a bottle of bubble bath, bag of chocolate, and a book or magazine to each lady in the family. A night of relaxation! Books could be regifted ones you've already read, from the thrift store, or new. 
• Buy 3 DVDs from the cheap bin at Walmart, a box of popcorn, and a tub of sour keys. Give a couple a DVD, a bag of popcorn, and 1/3 of the sour keys. Repeat for 2 more couples. 
• If you are camera-savvy, offer to do a family photo shoot
• A "nice" version of something simple, but used daily. Like a gourmet bag of coffee or tea, honey or jam, a letter opener, ear buds, pen, notepad, mug, shampoo, travel mug, water bottle, hair brush, etc
• Buy something for the whole family and give it to your parents, like a fondue kit, a tent, or a family
  
  pass to the Aquarium. Everyone will benefit from it whenever the family can get together. 
• Search "cheap [insert holiday] gifts" on Amazon and Etsy. It's actually full of stuff that is both cool and cheap. And I'm actually talking only-a-couple-bucks-cheap. 

Happy Holidays everyone!